Have you ever been stuck? You know you have all these things to do, but you just can’t get the energy to get up and do them but yet everything-all the basic needs are being met but you’re barely functioning.
For starters, let me be clear; I am in a very good place in my life. I have a very supportive spouse who helps me a lot so this has nothing to do with him. This is just mental overload from the past few years of my life. I got overstimulated recently. I know what the cause was. I’m dealing with it, but for the love of Jesus it has sent me into a stuck spiral that has been so incredibly frustrating. I have a good business that I am struggling to get back up and running, not necessarily as it used to be prior to moving to the DC area, but trying to figure out what works best for my life as it is now and what my current goals are.
It’s currently hard to think because it’s like my brain has too many tabs are open; in my brain all my tabs are wide open & constantly “buffering”. Oh & just for an additional splash of fun my OCD has decided to come out and play. So I was sitting here and I thought to myself why should I hide this because I have no doubt there’s a gazillion other people out there going through the same shit -unregulated, overstimulated and probably hiding in their bathtubs too. So now I’m sitting here typing this out thinking to myself, should I even be typing this? Who knows what people are gonna think but then I also think- who gives a f*ck who reads this. I’m just speaking the truth and I know I’m not the only person who feels like this. I’ve been through a lot over the past few years. There has been numerous deaths in my family, the divorce, taking care of my dad who passed away this past October, taking care of PopPop and getting his health stabalized & trying to make sure he’s all good while at the same time trying to get Stephen properly diagnosed. Oh & taking care of & keeping an eye on everybody else in the family. It’s been a lot and I don’t think people will ever realize how much of a toll it takes on someone to care for others. It’s like I have been so busy and overwhelmed that for a while I had to go emotionally numb to get through it all but now I’m in a really good spot where I can relax because I have a very supportive partner and a better support system so now I’m “stuck” in a different way and feel everything that I didn’t feel before because I was numb. How’s that for a kick in the ass? Finally in a good spot, feeling secure and things are good but now that the numbness is going away I’m getting hit with all the feelings…good times,
Healing isn’t pretty. I read something a couple weeks ago that really stuck out to me: “She’s resting-not gone”. Maybe this is just my season to rest and recharge. Because lets be honest-when have I ever stopped? I have been on the go for what seems like forever.
Anyways that’s just what’s currently going on in my mind.
Oh and for the record, I’m perfectly sober and fully dressed laying in my bathtub.
Till next time…
